2014

Hmm.  I never imagined that my first post of 2014 would be on the 21st.  It's been a weird month for me.  At the beginning of the month, I had another chemo treatment, and we tried once again to give me carbo - extra steroids, and more benedryl - in hopes to de-sensitize me so that I can still get one of the most effective chemos for my type of cancer.  Alas, within minutes of starting the carbo, my tongue started tingling again, my heart started racing, and even though they were watching me and stopped it immediately, my nose swelled shut again.

*sigh*

So - I don't know if I'll ever have carbo again.  And that scares the crap out of me.  My CA 125 only went down 6 points between the last two chemo sessions, and I worry that means without the full carbo infusion, we're not beating the cancer back as much as we'd like.  I haven't re-developed acites in my abdomen, but I still have the fluid around my lungs.  I thought we had that on the run, but the last time my husband drained it, it was significantly more fluid than the previous time.  In addition to all that, I've had much more discomfort around my middle the last few weeks.

Whine whine whine.

Tomorrow I'll be having CT scans of chest, abdomen and pelvis.  So maybe we can see what is exactly going on in there.  I haven't had scans since last October, so I am very curious as to how things look.  I keep hoping that once again it'll be a scan with no new evidence of metastic disease.  Wish me luck.

I've struggled keeping a positive attitude the last couple of months.  Having fevers every time I hit those compromised immunity days every round of chemo is a double whammy of feeling like crap and worrying that the doctors are missing something when they try to figure out what is causing the fevers.  This last time I was prescribed preventative antibiotics in hopes I wouldn't have a fever.   It certainly delayed the fever, and it was just a low grade fever that only lasted a few days, but I still got a fever.  Again.

This constant feeling like crap wears on you.  It frustrates me to no end to only have a few days out of every 21 that I feel like doing anything.  I miss way more work than I'd like, but there are just some days I can't make it in.  I still feel like I'm letting down not only my boss, but my staff and faculty as well.  I've been told that some of my faculty are complaining.  But what can I do?  I'm trying my hardest to be at work as often as I can.  To get as much done while I am in the office as possible. 

I used to rarely miss work.  I rarely got sick, and I had to be pretty sick before I called in.  I wasn't the employee who called in with a sinus headache or because I had cramps.  If I called in, I was most likely running a fever or hurling.  Now I call in because I'm so fatigued I can barely function, or because I'm so nauseated from chemo I can't comprehend trying to drive into town. 

Part of this adjusting to the new normal I guess.  Trying not to assign scary meanings to every ache, pain, lump or spot.  Trying to remember that God's plan doesn't necessarily mean I'm supposed to be his example of grace under pressure - or anything worse. 

Those who know me well know that I have a strong faith in God.  During this recurrence, I've struggled holding onto that.  I've struggled with believing that there are still miracles to be had.  I want to believe that - of course I do.  But I feel like for some reason that's God's answer to my prayers might be no. 

To help with that, I've been working my way through a Beth Moore book.  A devotional of sorts.  I'll be honest - I have it on my kindle because it was free this month.  But working through it these last couple of weeks has been fascinating - giving me a different look on how my relationship with God works - and me questioning if I've been putting enough into it.

For those of y'all who don't buy into God, or who worship a different diety, feel free to move skip all this rambling of God and faith. It won't hurt my feelings a bit.  This blog is an exploration of how I'm working my way through my cancer and my life in general, so there's gonna be some God talk occasionally.

Anyhoo - that's what's going on with me.  As usual, January sucks.  My least favorite month.  Chemo again this Friday.  Not sure what they are going to do - according to my oncology nurse, we'll find out Friday.  I'm not real sure I'm ok with that,  but it doesn't seem like I have much choice.  Keep me in your thoughts, and I hope your January is going well.

I'll just be glad when it's February again.