I mentioned the other day that I was having a hard time finding something to blog about. The fact is, I'm just avoiding blogging because I don't have super happy stuff to blog about. I've been doing chemo since last October, and frankly, I'm tired.
I'm tired of spending every Friday at the cancer center. I'm tired of being constipated for 5 days out of every 7. I'm tired of constantly having to wipe or blow my nose due to the Avastin. I'm tired of the taste of blood in my mouth from all that drainage. I'm tired of constantly worrying if the chemo is working, if I'm going to go into remission, if that weird pain in my chest another blood clot or a tumor or just a weird twinge. I'm tired of the cellulite that has taken residence on my thighs because I don't have the energy to work out every day. I'm tired of having to draw on eyebrows so I don't like a boy. I'm tired of having short gray hair. I'm tired of not being able to sleep more than 4 or 5 hours at a stretch. I'm tired of having circles under my eyes so dark that it truly looks like my husband tuned me up. I'm tired of gaining weight, of hot flashes, of food tasting too salty or too spicy, of the constant craving for chocolate. I'm tired of trying to brave, inspirational, and chipper.
I am so very tired of having cancer.
I know I could have it so much worse than I do. I have family and friends that love me and support me. I have a job that provides me with insurance that has made all this treatment possible. Sometimes I feel like such a whiner for feeling this way. But even if you're not at death's door, after a while - having cancer wears on you.
Those who haven't had cancer - or haven't had dealings with someone with late stage cancer - look at me and see that I'm feeling pretty good compared to a year ago and think that my battle is over. But my battle may never be over. I may never go into a full remission. I might - but the odds are against me. Sometimes I think people don't know how to deal with someone like me - the cancer patient who can't claim they are cured.
I'm not sure I'd want to hang out with someone who just can't do the things she used to. But I wish I knew of some way to tell the people I don't hear from much anymore that they are missed. That I'm sorry that I can't just go back to who I used to be. My life has changed forever. I will never again be the chick who can party until the wee hours, or that can spend Sunday morning loading a pickup truck with load after load of hay.
I wish I knew how to tell them that I miss that chick too.
I've said before it's not all moonlight and roses. I'm not helping anyone if I only post when I'm all happy and chipper. I would hate for someone to come across this blog and see nothing but unicorns and rainbows and get down on themselves because they are having more blue days than they know what to do with and feel like they're doing this wrong. There is no wrong - we all have to deal with it in our own way. And I bet I'm not the only one who gets so damn tired of having cancer. It helps me to write it out - it's a way for me to figure out why I feel the way I do, and a way to express those feelings and get them out of my system. If it helps someone else someday, even better.
It's unrelenting, this having cancer thing. It never goes away. Not for me, and not for my family. I wonder if it would be easier if there was any real hope that I could actually be cured. I'll never really know - I'm to look at ovarian cancer as a chronic disease that I can treat but not cure. Like diabetes or rheumatoid arthritis. I'm doing my best to find a way to accept that gracefully.
But damn. I'm just....tired.