Stronger

Well - hello!

Sorry for the break in posts - last week was one of our busier weeks at work, and to be honest, I overdid it.  I'm still learning my limits in this new normal.  I don't have the stamina or endurance that I used to, so going to an event the day after chemo pushed me to the limit. 

You try to plan for that - I made a point of taking the morning after chemo off from work, so that I would have enough energy to attend our departmental banquet.  But the banquet lasted until 9:30, and in the spirit of complete transparency - I'm usually getting ready for bed at 9 pm.  So not getting home until 10:00 pm had me pretty tired.  Then attending our advisory board meetings all the next day finished the job.  You wouldn't think that sitting and taking notes would wear a girl out..but it did.

After a weekend of taking it easy, I'm slowly bouncing back.  But I'm at home today after a rough night.  It is so frustrating to someone like me - I'm the type that rarely misses work.  It was a blessing in disguise when I was originally diagnosed because I had so much sick leave and vacation leave saved up.  Not many people can take off for nearly 4 months without a dock in pay.  Yet when I have to take off now to take care of myself - to let myself recover from a night of throwing up, or just to recover my energy, it pisses me off.  I should be at work.  I keep thinking that my co-workers MUST be tired of me being gone all the time, and having to pick up my slack.  I hate letting them down.  I hate letting my boss down.  She's been amazingly supportive through all this - but I worry that eventually she'll get tired of being so supportive. 

I hate feeling weak.

And isn't that the heart of the matter?  This stupid disease has weakened me physically - and I HATE that.  I know it's normal.  That doesn't make me hate it any less.  I was so strong before - physically, mentally, emotionally - and it's made a dent in that.  Hate it, hate it, hate it.  I try to make peace with it, to accept this new normal, but I have a very hard time doing it.  I want my old normal back.  I want to be able to get up at 5:30 am to work out every day, to not miss work, to be able to work in the garden, to can this asparagus that is filling up my fridge, to cook for my family every night, to keep up with the laundry, and to clean this house.

I can't.  I don't like it, and I rail against it, but I can't.  Every day I'm able to do a little more, but it's going to take some time before I'm back to the old Mysti.  But I'm not giving up on getting back to that place.  Someday, I'll be able to do those workouts.  I'll be able to work several months in a row without having to call in sick.  I'll be able to shampoo my carpets, move furniture around, and weed and mulch my garden. 

Someday, I'll be strong again.

Until then, I do what I can.  I bitch and moan on my blog.  I listen to my husband when he tells me that maybe it would be smarter to stay home a day and recover, than go to work and then get weaker from overdoing it and have to stay home several days (or worse, end up in the hospital again.).  And day by day, I refuse to give up - and do whatever I can to get my strength back.  To find my new normal - one that I can be content with. 

Because this weak ass stuff ain't gonna cut it.