This morning I had my breakfast on the back porch, as I did so many mornings last summer. I listened to the birds chatter to each other and to our roosters greeting the day. It was a still, perfect beautiful morning.
I needed that today. Lately it seems as if I'm surrounded by sadness. Three funerals today that I should have gone to. The mother of a friend is now on hospice. Another friend just lost a dear friend of hers to MS. A former classmate's wife just diagnosed with late stage ALS. And last night a two year old little boy drowned in our community. It's just too much.
I'm not sure why all of this seems to happen at once. Why bad news seems to come in clusters. I just know that I don't handle it as well as I used to. Last year I would have tried to go to at least one of those three funerals. This year - well, I haven't been able to attend a funeral since my diagnosis. I feel cowardly for not going. But it's just too close to home for me right now. I don't want to go and imagine my own funeral - and I know that's what I would do.
I try to remember to pray for all of these people every night. I try to focus on just how blessed I am right now - it could be so much worse. But the sadness comes at me from every direction. I know that it just might be time.
Time for what? Time to talk to someone professional. I've been struggling a bit with feeling a bit blue lately. It's probably pretty normal - after all, I just spent months fighting off a wicked disease that was aiming to kill me. I was so focused on that, and now it's like I'm just trying to figure out what's next. The blog has been a huge help - I've been able to write through so many of the things I've been going through. But I'm feeling a little overwhelmed these days. At my monthly oncologist visit last week, I asked for a referral, and I will be getting something set up in the next few weeks.
So many of us feel like we can't go to counseling - that it makes us look weak. I'm trying to not think of it that way. One thing I learned throughout this journey is that I can't do it all myself, and it's ok to ask for help. It doesn't make me weak to do that. It makes me smart to not try to do it all on my own - and to know when to ask for help.
And in the meantime, I'm going to try to enjoy the peaceful still mornings. Right now we have a hen setting on eggs again, we're pretty sure our cow is going to have a calf of her own in a few months, the garden is growing well, and a big rain is predicted for next week. Life goes on. That's what I need to focus on. What we all need to focus on.
Life goes on.