Gratitude. I've Got It.

My goodness - what a difference a week can make.

Last Sunday, I was still full of worry and doubt about what was going to happen with my treatment.   I felt pretty good, and was dreading feeling bad this week.  Instead, I'm sitting here feeling pretty darn good today!

Since this new regimen consists of me receiving a smaller dose of Taxol every week instead of a big ole dose every three weeks, I haven't really had any nausea and very little fatigue.  This weekend we have purchased a new RAV4 for me to drive, gotten Christmas decorations taken down and put away, I've gone to church, and out to eat for lunch, worked on laundry and helped eldest son re-organize his room.

I don't think I've had this active of a weekend since summer.

Of course, I didn't do all this by myself.  The boys helped take the Christmas stuff down.  Most of my contribution to re-organizing E's room consisted of me sitting in a chair and suggesting/directing.  But I'm feeling good.  I don't have the discomfort I've had around my torso the last few months.  I'm not constantly tired.  And praise Jesus Halleluah, I'm not nauseous.  I'm able to eat normally.

I don't kid myself.  I know that next weekend may be a different story once I get Avastin.  But today, right now, I think I should be able to go to work tomorrow.  I think that I won't miss but one day a week with this weekly chemo.  I think I just might be able to have a greater quality of life.

Heck - I may be able to nag my children to do more chores if I'm feeling this good!

*gasp* Maybe I'll even get my house clean!

Pfft.  Even if I don't.  Even if all I do is manage to keep up with the laundry and the kids' schedule, I'll be happy.  I'll take it one day at a time.  I'll enjoy every minute of feeling practically normal.  And I'll be grateful for it.

Now - if only that hair will grow back....

Living the Good Life

We've had rain out here in Hicksville lately.  Wonderful glorious rain.  Our fields are a pretty green color you can only get from weeds.  Ah well - so far, the cow seems happy with them.

Speaking of our cow - we used to call her Steak.  Because we're warped.  But now the hubs sent her off to get knocked up, and we're pretty sure she obliged, so she needs a new name.  I've considered Lactation, but only if you say it with a slow southern drawl.  Go ahead. Try it.  Makes ya feel a little like Scarlett, doesn't it? 

I say pretty sure, because we don't know how to tell if she is really knocked up or not.  I googled how to figure that out a minute ago and I would like to say oh HELL NO.  I'm not stickin' my arm up any cow's booty.  [shudder]  Just the thought wigs me out.  So I guess we'll just wait and see.  She's getting mighty rotund and spends alot of time laying around waiting for someone to feed her fresh green stuff or cow bon bons or something.  Maybe we'll have a cute little calf to get entirely too attached to so it'll never be sent to processor after all.

We still don't have any baby chicks.  A few hatched, but none of them lived very long because apparently Java's are crappy mama hens.  Now I have four more hens setting, but they haven't had a rooster on that half of the coop for weeks, so they're pretty much wasting their time.  I'm going to have to get some eggs that might actually produce chicks and move them over there.  Otherwise those poor hens are going to start doubting their ability to hatch chicks, and the last thing I need are neurotic hens.

My garden has been loving the rain we've had lately.  The green beans have tiny little beans growing, and I actually found potatoes under some of the volunteer potato plants.  I've found some green tomatoes.  My onions seemed to have all died out.  I'm not sure why - they were getting watered, and we had mulched them in, but I can't find any of them now.  So they either died, or the evil bunnies that inhabit our land snuck in and ate them all.  Bastards.  Unfortunately, the weeds and native grasses have enjoyed the rain as well.  I've spent the last couple of weekends pulling weeds and grass and mulching. 

We don't have but a few weeks left of summer - and it makes me sad.  Just when I start feeling like myself again - waking up to have my breakfast on the back porch, then spending a few hours in the garden.  Sometimes I almost forget what I had been doing over the last nine months.  Sometimes I fool myself into thinking it was a bad dream - or that it happened to someone else.

Then I bend over to pull a stray weed out of the lawn, and the fluid around my left lung follows gravity and ow.  Or my incisional hernia feels like my intestines are about to pop out.  Then I remember that I'm not the same person I was a year ago.  Now I'm a cancer survivor.  Now I have limits to what I can do.

It's better than the alternative.  I'm alive.  And I'm living my life.  Spending time with my husband, and my kids when they have nothing better to do.  Someday I hope it won't hurt when I bend over to pull those weeds.  I won't have to have a cart to sit on as I roll around the garden and pull grass.  I won't have to hold my hand over my hernia when I sneeze because I have a fear that my intestines are going to shoot out across the living room.  (No - I have no idea what hyperbole means.  Why do you ask?)

Another friend of mine will be laying her mother to rest tomorrow.  I never met her mom, but she sounded like a wonderful lady.  Skin cancer took her.  I don't know why I went into remission and she didn't.  I hate that my friend lost her mama.  Yet I'm glad my boys didn't lose theirs.  I'm glad I can call myself a survivor.   I wish her mama could have too.

Things are good right now out in Hicksville.  We're going to try to enjoy the last few weeks of summer.  I hope you do the same.  Live deliberately.  Embrace each moment.  I'm determined to do that myself, and to not let myself get caught up in the daily grind again.  Now I know all too well - you just never know how much longer you have.  And like they say - no one says "I wish I had worked more."

I'm pretty sure no one says "I wish I had stuck my arm up a cow's booty when I had the chance" either.

Saturday Musings

Today, I made the brave decision to thin out my clothes.

You've been there - that moment when you realize it's time to let go of those pants you'll never squeeze your butt into again, that cute pink skirt set that is 10 years out of style, your period panties.

Oh come on.  We all have 'em.  And some part of us is looking forward to that day when we no longer need them.  For me, that day is now.  I have no more lady parts, so I have no need of period panties.  Boom - they're gone.  I also pulled out my big knockers bras.  It seems when you lose 25 pounds, you lose at least 5 pounds of that in your boobs.  Poof.  Gone.  So...I pulled them out of my bra drawer, but I put them into storage.  Because let's face it - I come from a long line of big boobed women, and it's entirely possible the boobs may be back.  And big knocker bras ain't cheap.

I'm still avoiding my tshirt drawer.  I have the hardest time getting rid of tshirts.  But I've got to do something about that drawer - I can barely close it now, and I just got a new Regionals track tshirt to wear.....

Ok - I have a problem.  And instead of dealing with it, I took a break to rest and discovered a Glee marathon on Oxygen and well....that tshirt drawer and the top of my closet just might have to wait until tomorrow.  You can't ask me to ignore a Glee marathon.

Tonight we're going to go celebrate a friend's birthday.  I'm trying to decide if I should take a few cokes to drink while I'm over there, or a couple of tea bags.  Since I don't know if I'll be on chemo again this coming week or not, no beer for me.  I miss beer.  I really miss those adult beverage pouches.  Stupid cancer.

Basically, for the most part I've just had what passes for a normal day around here.  And you know what?  Sometimes that's all I need.

Here's hoping you have a normal day today.

Attack of the Cold....

Could I please stop sneezing now?

I swear - I just sneezed eleventy-BILLION times just now. And I took a generic sudafed (that I had to SIGN for when I bought them - just so they would have PROOF that I bought them - just in case I used them to make crack or crank or whatever it is you make with 2 boxes of generic sudafed. Pfft - like I'd waste generic sudafed on CRACK!) just a couple of hours ago, so I can't take another one for another hour or two.

Colds are no fun. Although, after a couple of generic sudafeds and a couple of beers at the hockey game tonight - I bet *I'm* alot of fun. Or at least entertaining.

My buddy Lacasse better have worn his earplugs tonight - because unless he scores a few goals, I'd bet money that a doped up Mysti will be hollering that he sucks again.

Because, you know, I'm mean that way.

Especially after a couple of generic sudafeds. (yes yes - I know - it's really psuedopherineahuckahookasomething, but I can't SPELL that without digging out the package, and then I'd just be tempted to take one early, and we don't want Mysti getting loopy on psuedohookasomething so early, do we?)

Hmmm. Apparently just one is enough to get me typing in the 3rd person. That's a scary thought.

I keep thinking I'm seeing little white things falling outside. I certainly hope if they ARE falling - it's psuedohockasomething induced hallucinations, because I'm in no mood for more snow. We have to start painting the house this weekend. And we'd really like to be able to open a few windows. Otherwise - it won't be psuedopheromonehoookas that we'll be loopy on - it'll be paint fumes.

Now that I've scared off the two people who seem to read this blog - I think I'll go do my to do list for next Monday, and find something totally unredeeming yet amusing to watch on You Tube.

And sneeze.

Did we REALLY love the 80s?

So - while perusing blogs instead of working hard this morning (ok - so I was opening mail while perusing blogs, so it wasn't a complete goof off morning), I came across this post. And I thought to myself....

(after watching the MC Hammer video)

What the HELL were we thinking back then? What on earth possessed us to think that wearing spandex workout gear in public - out of the gym - was a good idea? I mean really. I think back - and distinctly remember not only the pink bike shorts I wore on a regular basis in the summer - but the GREEN ones M wore.

As much as I love my hubs, this was not a good look. For either of us. I shudder to remember our horrendous taste in clothes. I remember sleeveless t's and acid washed jeans and ankle boots and huge earrings and heavens to betsy - PARACHUTE PANTS - and wonder ....

Were we *doing* that many drugs back then? Or were we drinking THAT much beer? Because my LORD - those were not good looks.

And we won't even discuss the whole running around in nothing but bike shorts and a black bra trend.